Sideways Glances
by Pink Triceratops
Summary: Set a few years after 'The End '. Afterlife.    Dr Linus finds himself quite obsessed with one of his students.  Rated T for mentions of self-harm - not Ben's, don't worry about him.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer : I totally own Lost and Michael Emerson, therefore I'm the happiest girl in the whole world.  
>No, seriously.<p>

Author's note: No Ben is going to be hurt in this story, although I cannot say the same for my dear little O.C., Lila.

(I do not promote self-harm _at all_, I just longed to read a fiction with someone I could relate to, so that I could be with Ben for five minutes of my literary life; since the man has obviously subscribed to sexy bold heroines in the world of fan fiction, I had to create a young weirdo specially for him. This weirdo and I are much alike, as you may have gathered, so I do hope you will like her.)

By the way, English is not my native language, so please be indulgent in your reviews, and PM me if you think some sentences need to be changed! I will take your remarks into account of course. This is my first time writing in English and I only wish to improve :)

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><p>Dr Benjamin Linus hated grading papers.<p>

Not because it awoke in him hatred of pupils like it did with his German colleague; no, he did not despise his students. But reading senseless and empty words about Napoleon's retreat forced him to see what a failure he was, as a teacher. Not to mention that becoming a teacher had been the biggest failure in his life.

Alexandra Rousseau's brilliant dissertations were far behind now; he had lost track of her progression a few months after her graduation (she was obviously too busy with college life to keep on sending him some news), and he could only suppose that she had gotten her license at the end of the past year.

Yet, after a few days on this new term, he discovered that students' essays could still light a smile on his face.

How he had _missed _it.

They were not perfect papers actually; the main script of the period studied in class appeared to be magically transfigured, and he could not remember reading any single precise date in them. What he was given to read was a mixture of various little details he had briefly tackled in class; nothing really accurate or even less historical… Still, he had learnt to save her paper to grade for last: reading his own words about trivial details, mixed up with the strangest fantasies, instead of pale clones of the 7th grade History book, was actually delightful. Moreover, she had a way to put it that he found most amusing:

"[…] _Then Napoleon was exiled to Elba where he spent his time bent over his stomach, cursing himself for using too much vinegar in his daily salad, and contemplating the fact that without power, he might as well have been dead. Alas, the writer of this outstanding paper cannot communicate the date of this sad event, or she may suffer the same gastrological torments as the character himself: this date is cursed, Dr Linus. Not to mention that opening a History book gets tougher and tougher recently_."

She was for sure one of a kind.

Lila.

As her form teacher, he had been enabled to discreetly enquire among his coworkers whether she dared them too, with this bright boldness of hers. But he soon discovered that she reserved this treatment for History only, which he felt honored by in a way. Unlike all her other classes in which she showed no interest whatsoever (and which she yet passed, to the utter annoyance of the teachers), in his class, he felt that she actually _cared_.

Not for European History of course, but for some kind of interaction; she knew he would eventually read her paper and grade it with the most original annotation he could allow himself to write, and still she kept joking in her essays, maybe about herself, but for him only to read – he felt privileged.

She did not fit in high school, he sometimes mused.

She was one year older than all of them. He read in her file that a severe pneumonia had kept her from school for nearly a whole year, and that she had returned at the beginning of this term. Yet, he was convinced that if it had not been for this long interruption, she still would not care about the students or teachers. Being a marginal suited her so well that he thought this as belonging to her character.

Indeed, she did not have friends.

He could actually swear he had never seen her talking to anyone on her own initiative.

Yet, she did not seem to be the depressive type. He thought that she was simply…loony. Whenever he looked at her, he found her seemingly absorbed in something highly captivating, such as the mapa mundi on the wall, a hairclip on some girl's head, a little spider crawling on her table (once he believed he had witnessed an adoption), her inner thoughts, or simply his very own shoes.

Sometimes in class, their eyes locked, and then he had to hold on the thread of his speech as if for dear life, or else he would easily get lost into her gaze.

She had wide, unsettling dark eyes.

The most disconcerting eyes he had ever seen.

They were surrounded by a constellation of freckles, and the auburn hair that came with it fell down to her shoulders - when she did not arrange it into a bizarre hairdo. Her dressing fashion, as well eccentric, sometimes allowed an attentive eye to make out a rather slender body with sweet feminine curves. He could tell the way most of the boys looked at her when she was not aware of them… But he had soon understood that she scared them, which explained why they preferred to simply bully her; _that, _at least, was familiar ground.

Had he not been their teacher, he would have beaten them to a pulp.

After writing a sincere 'Most amusing' in the left margin, facing her conclusion about the East India Company, he flipped the copy back and traced a reluctant 'C minus' on the front.

And for the first time that day, he smiled.

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><p>Why can't I have a teacher like him?<br>Anyway, all I've got for now is loads of notes about what's supposed to happen next, so please tell me whether it's worth typing or not!


	2. Chapter 2

Author's note: Before publishing this second chapter, I'd like to thank my first three reviewers! Two of them signed so I was able to thank them personally, but as for you, T, if you happen to be passing by, just know that you were my first review ever and that I went back to writing as soon as I read it.

* * *

><p>"EXCUSE ME?"<p>

The exclamation came from the lobby of the teachers' room, concluding an escalation of rising voices that had not bothered Ben until then. Lifting his eyes from Lila Wood's essay, he immediately located the source of the outburst: the said source happened to be the very same student he was just grading.

Ensconced in his regular armchair, at a respectable distance from the occurring scene, he was just hidden enough to watch it without feeling obliged to intercede – the less he had to converse with his colleagues, the better. When he realised the teacher involved was Mr Carlton, the twelfth grade Maths teacher, he congratulated himself for chosing this particular spot to grade his copies. For reasons unknown to him, Carlton had seemed to disapprove of him from the first time they had met. Surely he did not want to be mixed into this altercation.

"You're not allowed in here, Miss Wood, this is the teachers' lounge."

"I'm sorry sir, I just couldn't hear you scorn me from behind."

Ben could not help but crack a smile. Obviously, hatred of Mr Carlton was something he and Lila had in common.

"Watch your behaviour, Miss Wood. What's said is said – your absences will be taken into account. Don't expect a passing grade this semester, and there's nothing more to it."

"I was _ill, _professor Carlton. People have a right to fall ill from time to time, don't they?"

"Not twice a week", he retorted.

"But I actually nailed this test! And you want to lower my grade? Do you even have a _right_ to do that?" she cried, exasperated.

Mr Carlton did not bother to answer the angry redhead. He entered the photocopy room and shut the door in her face.

"Moron", she muttered furiously under her breath.

She hesitated a few moments, then she spotted a comfortable-looking sofa further into the lounge and slouched onto it, apparently not noticing that her European History teacher sat a few meters away, right in front of her.

She was shaking with frustration and her little pink mouth was constricted in a determined pout. A quite charming pout actually.  
><em>Her pout is nothing the matter here, Ben.<br>_Damn. He had caught himself staring at her again.

Deciding that she was not authorized to be there indeed, and to stir his own mind from this hazardous daydreaming, he gently cleared his throat.

Lila's face broke into a wide, genuine grin when she looked up and noticed him – which meant quite a lot to Ben when he knew how infuriated she must have been only a split second before.

"Dr Linus, I had no idea you were here!"

"So I guess", he chuckled.

"Uhm." She paused a few seconds to look around for other teachers. "I suppose I should go."

He nodded briefly. Jokingly, he added: "Don't worry, I'll pretend I never saw you here."

She laughed and his grumpy heart warmed, just a little bit.

"Is that my paper you're grading?", she asked after a short moment.

"As a matter of fact it is, yes."

"Oh."

Ben could swear he had seen her blushing. She had averted her eyes in embarrassment, although something in her expression told him she was not a little pleased with herself.

She soon got to her feet. "See you in class then", she said playfully.

Ben nodded. As she walked away, he laughed inwardly at the strange combination of her lime green pants and blue striped tank top. Today her nails were painted black, he noticed thankfully – as pretty as she may look, his eyes probably would have hurt a little if she had added another color to the mix.

* * *

><p><em>WATERLOOO...<em> _Wait a minute, why is there a third O here?_

Fortunately he was able to erase the slip from the chalkboard with the back of his hand, before losing what remained of his credibility towards his students.

In his defence, Ben Linus was upset. Really upset.

She had never missed a single class he had ever been giving. So why was her seat empty? She had seemed alright a few minutes before, when they had met in the teacher's lounge. He wondered what could possibly have happened to her. One did not fall ill within minutes. He considered to be a private pride the fact that she missed half the compulsory classes, except his – what was he to think now?  
>And more importantly, <em>why<em> was a pupil's absence annoying him so much?

At ten past three, he saw a hand raising in the back of the classroom.

"Can I go to the bathroom?"

That was Ashley Fisher, the archetypal cheerleader. Another day, he would have wryly pointed out the fact that she had been able to hold it for the first fourty minutes of his class and that twenty more would definitely not kill her but, once again, he was upset. He gestured a vague permission and went on with his lecture, as if on autopilot.

Perhaps that was the reason why, when Ashley Fisher came back saying "Mr Linus, you should come to the girls' bathroom now", the most eloquent reply he was able to work out was:

"Whaaat?"

"I think Lila Wood's in there", she elaborated.

Lila? Now he felt completely awake. He frowned while she went on:

"I knew it was her, you see, those lousy shoes of hers were showing under the door – I mean, who'd wear Spongebob Converses?"

"Well then, what's with her?", he urged on her, trying very hard to sound casual, but somehow knowing he had failed.

"She didn't want to answer me, so I thought this was weird", she went on, fiddling with her blonde braids. "Then I looked closer and..."- she lowered her voice theatrically- "there was blood everywhere."

This made quite an impression. Pupils were whispering, startled and eager for more vivid details at the same time.

Ben absent-mindedly told them to continue reading the Waterloo chapter until half past three, then he followed the blond girl across the hallway.

Running was not his thing, and he had to keep an air of composure, so he tried to walk as fast as he could. In the end, Ashley had to scurry along Ben to keep track of him.  
>He was the first to enter the bathroom.<p>

Indeed, if he bent down just a little, he could see the famous Spongebob snickers - their position indicated that Lila was leaning against the left wall of the cubicle. And it was true that a pool of dark liquid had formed around them, but it actually came from a medical-looking bottle that lay open on the floor, spilling its contents on the white tiles.  
><em>Iodine<em>, he thought. Suddenly he became aware of the girl's breathing, loud and ragged.

"Lila?", he tried.

No answer.

"Lila, I'm going to break the door lock if you don't talk to me."

All he could hear was the uneven respiration. Nothing suggested that she had heard him. This was getting quite alarming.

As an uneasy feeling grew up inside him, he made toward a cupboard on the side of the room, past the row of cubicles, and produced his classroom keys from his right pocket. Along with them came another key that was supposed to open most of the cupboards in the school; luckily enough, it fit in this particular one. Near a solitary broom and a plunger, he spotted what he was looking for: a plumbing kit. He seized the largest pair of pliers he could find and hurried back to Lila's cubicle.

"You're not _really_ going to break down the door, are you?", Ashley asked in a scandalized voice.

Ben suspected this was not out of feminine solidarity. The girl was probably just thinking about the implications of people being able to force toilet doors.

"Of course not, I'm going to leave her here passing out and go back to my class", he mumbled, working the pliers on the large circular knob.  
>"Go get the nurse", he said as the door finally flew open to reveal a pale and half-unconscious Lila.<p>

Ashley lingered in the doorway for what seemed to be an eternity, staring at the other girl.

"Quick!"

He had raised his voice a little bit more than intended.

However he was not left too much time to reflect on this, for Lila staggered inside the cubicle, threatening to hit the opposite partition. Ben caught her just in time as she collapsed onto him.

"I can't see anything", she said in a whisper. For a moment he wondered if she was aware of who she was talking to.

He helped her out of the box and tried to support her on her feet. He looked back to check whether Ashley was gone this time, before murmuring: "There, there. It's me, Be...Dr Linus. The nurse is coming any minute now, stay with me".  
>He did not think easing her down to the dirty floor was a good idea, so they remained in this awkward position for a long moment, Ben telling soothing words and Lila alternately mumbling and fainting.<p>

He would have liked to tell that she weighed no more than a feather in his strong arms, but he was no knight in armour, she was entirely resting on him and his back was beginning to hurt. Mushy stories were a fraud.

Still, over the insistent smell of iodine that had filled the room, he could not help but notice that her hair smelled of _strawberries_ - it sounded terribly vacuous to him, but there it was, a sweet, fruity perfume that made him want to grin stupidly. He could actually picture her at the store, taking a sniff at all of the children's shampoos and choosing the one that smelt the most like candies.

Suddenly, he was roused from his thoughts by the sound of approaching steps in the hallway. He straightened up the girl as much as he could and helped her to the hall of the bathroom, only to meet the nurse, an efficient black woman who rushed at Lila's side to support her too. This was certainly easier with two people.

On the way to the infirmary, the nurse fired questions at him, that of course he could not answer. Lila had been on the verge of unconsciousness all along, how could he know anything? But he knew that the woman was only trying to do her job, moreover she had never irked him apart from omitting the 'Dr' in his title, so he took upon himself to be amiable.

They lifted her onto one of the horrible-looking orange beds that filled the sick room, and the nurse put a glass of water to the girl's lips. Feeling useless, Ben went back to the bathroom to gather his student's things before the bell rang and overexcited teenagers invaded the hallways.

There was just her shoulder bag actually, beside the spilled bottle of iodine; fortunately it was not stained. He was about to exit the cubicle when a flash of light caught his eye. He bent down to the floor and then he saw it: a tiny scalpel blade, just like the ones students used in Biology class... Frowning, he picked it up, along with the empty bottle, and threw them into one of the trashcans that bordered the main wall.

When he stood up again, he glimpsed his puzzled reflection in the mirror. Save the fact that he was wearing a pink bag, something was oddly wrong. Then his heart missed a beat - there was a small scarlet spot on the right side of his favourite grey vest, just where Lila had been leaning on him.  
>This time it was unmistakably blood.<p>

In a daze, he slowly walked back to the infirmary, just as the bell rang.


	3. Chapter 3

Author's note: I apologize for this long interruption, my dear readers!  
>First I went on holidays, then I had a festival and a beginning of the school year to survive.<br>Here I am anyway, with a new angsty chapter especially for you :)

_(I'm warning the faint of heart once again, you will find mild depictions of self-harm in this chapter.)_

* * *

><p>He usually reprimanded idiotic youngsters that ran into him while rushing across the hallways. Not too severely, just enough to make them acknowledge the fact that they had gravelled him.<p>

But this time he did not even bother.

Ben was practically sure he had never walked slower in his life, so much he dreaded what he might find when he would return Lila's bag to the infirmary. He did not know exactly what to expect, but one thing was sure: nothing good could possibly result from the combination of a scalpel blade and a bottle of iodine, except in surgical units maybe. Eventually, he found himself staring at the door and decided that he had no choice... Wait, perhaps he could return the bag next class? He was a coward. Plucking up his courage, he finally pushed the door open.

And dropped the bag to the floor.

He wanted to avert his eyes but they were inescapably drawn to the unbearable sight.

Of course Ben had seen ugly things in his life. He had seen his father die after a long and painful illness, he had witnessed how cruel students could be between them, he had studied war in detail, but this was desperately, excruciatingly sad: pale skin, battered and lashed; scars and burns everywhere, some white, some pink, some not even healed yet; and one wound, one dreadful gaping wound that made his stomach jump slightly.

It was painted in a dull shade of orange – so that was what the iodine was for. The nurse was methodically cleaning it at the moment. She had lifted the girl's top just enough to uncover her slaughtered belly. Oh God, if only he had known not to look.

"Are...". Great, he had lost his voice. He focused on appearing composed and tried again: "Are you going to stitch this up?"

"Well, we don't have the adequate equipment here, but some Steri-strips will do the trick."

She did not look half as shocked as he was.

From his tone of voice yet, she seemed to notice his trouble and lifted her head from her work: "Don't worry Mr Linus, she'll be just fine. She probably fainted from the pain of the disinfection – with a cut like this one, this wasn't a pushover for sure... You know, quite a lot of young people hurt themselves, to seek attention or something. Everything's going to be okay, you'll see."

No, everything was not going to be 'okay'. First, his name was _Dr Linus_.

And Lila wore the equivalent of a rainbow every day for crying out loud, she certainly did not need to tear at herself to get attention – whose attention anyway? Moreover, she would not have chosen this body part to do it if she had wanted somebody to notice! So, _why?_

Suddenly he became aware of the fact that his eyebrows were about to touch.

He really needed to stop frowning.

When the nurse was finished with her work, it looked as though a white miniature railroad had been built along the poor girl's belly. All she needed now was a little train, really.

Just as he pictured a model railway engine crossing Lila Wood's stomach with a merry _choo-choo_, a faint whimper caught his attention.

"She's waking up", the nurse whispered. "Maybe as her form teacher, you'd like to have a word with her?"

"Right", he answered without even taking the time to think, "please leave us a moment."

The woman nodded knowingly and made toward the door, leaving him wondering why on earth he had asked for a one-to-one conversation with his student. What was he supposed to tell her? How could he explain why she was not in the bathroom anymore? This was going to be so embarrassing...

Well, _especially for her_, he realised as he saw the girl try to sit up, fail painfully and notice with horror that her top had been half removed.

"What the...?", she muttered, tracing the strange strip pattern on her belly. She hastily covered it up and tried to sit up again, with more caution this time.

"You should rest a little bit more before you get up", he advised her.

She started.

"Dr Linus! What...", she stopped mid-sentence, shutting her eyes hard and shaking her head as if to make him disappear. When she opened them again a few seconds later, Ben was still there of course, and this time she looked truly desperate. "What are you doing here?", she finally articulated, her wide dark eyes wildly scanning his as if searching for the answer.

This was not going to be easy.

"I'm the one who brought you here, Lila." She mouthed a silent "why?", still staring at him to the point of making him feel uncomfortable.

"I... I had no choice! You were unconscious and I didn't know what was wrong with you..."

"It was nothing, Dr Linus."

"But it could have been much more serious!"

She closed her eyes once again and inhaled deeply. "You were not supposed to see that. Let's pretend this never happened, shall we?" He was taken aback by the softness of her voice.

From this change of tone, he felt allowed to take a step forward and decided to sit not too far from her bedside.

"It _did_ happen, Lila", he tried gently. "Whether you want it or not, you did this to yourself and I saw it. Now I think it's my turn to ask 'why'."

"I can't believe I'm having this conversation with you."

As she lifted her eyes to the ceiling, he thought she was going to clam up for good. However, she looked back at him and seemed to size him up; after a short moment, she asked: "If I tell you, will you help me sit up?"

He cracked a smile. Honestly, he did not think he would have been able to cope if she had rejected him.

"Of course, let me help you."

This should have been awkward but after all, he had broken into her toilet cubicle. When she was comfortably seated cross-legged on the infirmary bed, he settled down on his chair and waited for her to talk.

"Are you sure you want to know?, she asked, squinting one eye.

"Lila, you promised."

"Right." She sighed heavily. "Have you ever felt an emotion so strong that you thought you were going to _implode_?"

"Well, I guess so", he anwered, puzzled. Was she trying to avoid his question by asking another one?

"Now, what did you do in order to prevent the implosion?"

"Uhm..." Maybe she was making fun of him after all. "I suppose I read a book or something.

"How surprising", she teased. He did not reply. Then her face clouded over: "Reading used to work for me too - music did the trick even better, but one day... it got to the point where that was not enough anymore."

"So, that's when...", he attempted.

"Yes", she went on cautiously, "that's when I discovered this... alternative."

He tried his best to look genuinely interested instead of truly appalled, but somehow she seemed to see through his semblance of composure.

"It's not as terrible as it sounds, Dr Linus... Please don't look at me like that", she pleaded.

"I'm just trying to assimilate what you said", he answered, shaking his head lightly.

"I know you see me as a crazy person right now. But, just try to compare me with people who smoke or eat tons of chocolate... It's all the same."

"If I may be so bold, those people won't be scarred for life, nor do they pass out in public bathrooms..."

She lowered her eyes and remained silent.

"Does it hurt?" he asked after a pause, vaguely curious. She looked surprised. "Do you mean, when I do it?"

He nodded curtly.

"No, it doesn't. Well... I don't feel it as pain anyway." She frowned. "Why do you ask?"

"I'm concerned, that's all."

She bit her lower lip. It seemed to Ben that she was looking for the right words.

"Actually I can tell you what it feels like... It's a release. A tremendous release, from everything."

"Especially when you faint altogether", he added, wryly. "Then indeed, you successfully escape everything."

She sighed. "This was a mistake, I shouldn't have put iodine rightaway... I had cut deeper than usual, I should have known better."

"Was it because of Mr Carlton?", he asked, more gently.

She nodded, then explained: "He made me so mad that I knew for a fact I wouldn't be able to focus during your class. I had to do something. But I was so eager to forget about him before walking to your classroom that I got carried away..."

"And then you were able to enjoy my class, that goes without saying."

"I'm so sorry, Dr Linus!", she nearly cried out. Ben looked at her more attentively. She had started trembling while digging her nails into the orange fabric of the bed, and kept whispering her sorries. She looked so lost.

He suddenly felt the urge to give her a bone-crushing hug and never let her go. Instead, he held out a hand and squeezed her shoulder lightly.

"Lila, look at me", he murmured. "I don't blame you, don't worry. The important thing is that you're all right." Her eyes finally met his. "So... are you all right?"

She nodded. "It won't happen again, I promise.

"I would never ask you to keep such a promise", he reassured her.

They both remained silent for a moment.

"Dr Linus?" He bowed his head invitingly. "Do you still think I'm interesting?"

"What?"

"You wrote this on my school report."

"Oh, right... the school report", he stammered.

"So?" She held his gaze intently.

"If I didn't think you were interesting, I wouldn't be here checking upon you and I would've let the nurse lecture you instead". He truly meant it.

She let out a relieved sigh: "Thank you. I didn't want you to think I was another emo girl."

Ben gazed at her quizzically.

"And may I ask what 'emo' means?"

For some obscure reason, that made her laugh. That was a heartfelt laugh, one that could unfreeze the most awkward situation – and it actually did. A part of him wanted to record this laugh and bear it around his neck to keep it for the darkest times. It would be his phial of Galadriel. His fial of Lila to be more precise... And _why_ was he suddenly making Tolkien references anyway? He had not read those books since he had been a little boy. Maybe she was having this effect on him. Maybe she was making him feel younger.

"Never mind", she said at last, still giggling.

Content with this mocking answer, he remembered her bag, that still lay on the floor behind him.

He got to his feet and noticed that the small bloodstain on his vest had turned brown, matching a larger one on the girl's tank top he had not noticed until then. Hopefully it had escaped her attention. He did not want her to feel guilty over a soiled piece of clothing – she could not possibly apologize for bleeding, although he knew she would.

He handed the pink bag to her. As she thanked him, she tried to get up, successfully this time.

Still, she looked a bit unsure on her feet and Ben asked her: "Are you going to make it to your home?"

"Of course I am, you don't have to baby me", she replied cheekily.

Then she seemed to realise this was not an appropriate way to answer a teacher, and mumbled an apology.

"Why do you ask", she inquired, "were you going to offer me a lift?" She was obviously joking, but Ben kept a straight face when answering: "That's what civilized people do, indeed."

"Oh."

That was the second time that day he had made her say this specific "oh".

At last, she flashed a sincere smile at him. "That's awfully kind of you, Dr Linus. But you know the people here... They would start gossiping." As he opened his mouth to reply that he did not care, she went on: "What's more, I'm fine, don't worry." Now that settled it.

"Lila...", he began. Wait, this was getting personal. He went on anyway: "Do you have someone to talk to?"

She stopped in the process of whipping on a sweater she had produced from her newly found bag. "You mean like a shrink?", she replied, almost coldy.

He had gone too far.

"No, I mean like a friend."

She softened up immediately.

"I have you now", she answered winking at him.

Obviously he would not get anything from her now. He shook his head, smiling, and said: "Take care, Lila", before heading toward the door. "By the way, we studied the 6th chapter today, in case you wanted to catch up." That sounded more like an appropriate teacher-student conversation.

So, his favourite student had major psychological problems.  
>He would definitely need to keep an eye on her, and an attentive one.<br>Her eerie charm still had this absurd effect on him, after all what he had found out.  
>And she considered him as a friend. A <em>friend<em>. Well, she had winked, but a wink did not cancel the words it accompanied, did it?

"Dr Linus!" she called as he was about to exit the room. He froze in his tracks. "What is your first name?"

The random question made him smile.

It must have been the fifth time that day – and each one had been caused by her. He was done for.


End file.
